Self doubt

- Reminder - 

-Parental Guidance is needed-

-This article may contain some thoughts and words that can't be easily understand by a young mind -

-This article is written to add some knowledge and not to debate or argue -

-every one has a free will from God-

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Sometimes I wonder if I really did my best in many situations.

 

I don't know why, but I ask myself why even how much I try many things in my life, it always fail.

I am a menoposal baby, my mother said

 

She told me that when she became 42 she menopoused. But after two years she suffer from illness that no one knows what kind of illness is that.

 

All her hair become white and then she can't walk.They can't understand what happens to her so they take her to the doctor.Until one doctor said to her that she is pregnant.

 

She and my father can't believe about the news.It's not only because she is 44 at that time but she is already menopoused for two years.

 

But the doctor said that sometimes it happens.But not all menoposal babies are lucky. Because some of them become very slow learner and some are born with down syndrome. But there are some that are born gifted.

 

So the doctors advise them to take care of her pregnancy if they want to have a healthy baby.

 

Time has come for me to see the world.

 

My mother gaved birth to me. And my father called me " Corazon. " Meaning heart.

 

My father said that he wants me to have a good heart and to become a leader.

 

Because the year that I was born is the year that the Philippines had a first lady President. And her name is Corazon Aquino.

 

Her leadership has ended the martial law here in my country that is caused by the Marcos administration.

 

Years have come and they see me different among the other kids at my age.

 

I am already 3 years old but still I am not talking. But I respond to everything they say. That's why they thought that I was a mute.

 

But one morning, before my father go to work. I asked him if he will go home early. After that words, my father looked at me and embrace me he almost cry to hear my voice. He don't even go to work that day.

 

They was so amazed that I can read English books for kids at that young age without anyone teaching me. Until I become six years old and my father had an illness called amoebiasis. We never know where my father gets that infection. But it destroy my father's body.

 

And when I was 8 years old my father passed away.

 

Everything in my life changed.

 

My mother works hard for us. But still it's not enough. She makes dresses and sell them to the market. 

I really looked up to my mother, I idolized her. She really takes care of us she never needs a man to support her.

 

Because I love my mother so much, I started to look for work in my relatives.

 

After my class in school I go to my aunties restaurant to wash dishes. And at night I go with my cousin's to trim dresses and put bottons so I can continue my study without depending on my mother.

 

Every day it's my daily routine. I wake up early in the morning to go to school because I make my projects and assignments in school.

 

I finished grade 3, Yes grade 3 that young it's my daily routine. When I was in grade 4 a friend of my mother offered her to help me to my study but I will stay to her house to help her.

 

I served her. Every day she wakes me up with a kick on my side. 

Sometimes she don't even give me food. I always cry at night. But what will I do? I want to finish my study.

 

Until she tell my mother that I take money from her. But God knows that it's not true. She gaved me back to my mother and I thank God for that.

 

Until I finished grade six and thanks God that I am the first honor in my section inspite of all the hardships I have.

I continue to be a working student until I finished high school with honors again and I had a scholarship on my college school.

 

But when my sister married a man from the province of Ilocos Norte, a province where Ferdinand Marcos was born, we visited her.

 

And every thing changed in my life

 

Because in that place I fell in love for the first time. And in that place I became heart broken for the first time.When I came back to my own place, I can't study anymore.

 

Because I was heart broken. And even my grades become broken even my scholarship was broke.

 

So I decided to go back to the province where my sister live. To show them that I'm ok. Even deep inside I'm broken.

 

I started to meet many boys. And I admit that I became a play girl.

 

Until I met my husband.

 

He is good to my mother. So my mother liked him for me. He told my mother that he like me so much. And my mother agreed to him to become my husband.

 

I felt love for him but it's different. It's like a love for my brother's. I don't feel intimate for him. But because I love my mother I married him.

 

As far as I know, I do my best to become a good wife.

 

Until I become a mother of 3 kids.

 

But my trials came to my life and I need to go to abroad to work because I have many credits and bank loans.

 

I want my kids to have a better life that's why I did my best to give them what they need and to send them to school without working like me.

 

I try my best to be a good servant. But I never been lucky going to other countries because I never finished any of my contracts abroad.

 

3 times I go but I never been lucky. Same situations in different people I encountered.

 

And still I'm thinking why people say to me that I'm not a good mother? Because I'm not the only ofw mother in my country.

 

I also wonder, whose mother will do the same like me that will breast feed her baby even I'm not eating just to make sure that my baby will live.

 

I have many credits and bank loans to give my kids the life I never had.

 I risked my life going to other countries just to give them comfortable life. I don't even eat well and spend much for my self just to give them everything.

 

But still people call me unworthy mother.

 

I'm not in a good condition with my family and my own mother just to fight for the right for my kids.

 

Now I asked my self.

 

What should be a good mother looks like?

 

What should be a good wife should be look like?

 

What should be a real woman should be looks like?

 

Did I really did my best?

 

But all I know, I am who I am. I never compair my self to anyone. If they don't like me, I don't care.

 

I don't need to please anyone.

 

Because even I do what they want I can't please them. And will still have something to say for me at my back.

 

"I just trust God that one day my life will change and my kids will be the best version of themselves one day."

 

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